On Wednesday, I found out that I probably will not be admitted to a highly competitive leadership. I was a finalist for the program, went through two rounds of interviews and it feels like I just managed to fall short when it mattered most.

My initial reaction to the news was really mild. Prior to emailing the people for an update, I had been stressing about a final decision for weeks. I got the updated response while I was at work and I vowed not to cry. Forwarded the message to my mom and listened to some music while I continued working. I tried to be optimistic about some other employment opportunities I’d recent;y looked into. I tried to not feel trapped at my dead-end, thankless, soul sucking job.

When I got home I sort of binge ate, glued myself to my computer and more or less decided to ignore the situation.

Sometimes I believe that if I feel nothing, if I deprive myself of emotions, then things won’t seem so bad. Like the situation can only be crap, if acknowledge that it’s crap…well that tactic is crap.

For the past two years, I have given the whole appearing unattached and calm thing a good go. Being neutral to everything is basically my public default. I like for people to know as little about me as possible. I rarely voice dissenting opinions to my superiors. I am strangely accepting of snubs, insults, disrespect and cronyism, until I can’t take it anymore. As one of my coworkers puts it, “I hold everything in and then explode.”

I think exploding is a hyperbole for my behavior in public. People are surprised when I speak up, buck their system and revolt. People are surprised when they see my displeasure is evident. People seem to forget that everyone can angry. At times I am sickeningly angry, but I decide not to express it and let things pass because I work in a place where many people seem to know not what they do.

I don’t think I sunk into a sour mood until morning. Upon beginning a new day, the reality of losing out on an escape from my shit job became a little much. I started trying to figure out where I went wrong as a candidate. Recently, a former classmate asked me about my work environment and this morning I decided to rip my employer a new one through a negative review.

Writing to the former classmate took so long that I ended up running behind schedule. I started feeling pretty negatively about myself and thinking: why am I stuck at this job that I am able to tear to shreds so efficiently? How did I fail myself in the last interview round? How will I advance my career beyond this slump (especially considering I hate asking for references)?

It’s hard to describe the place that i go to when I get really down on myself. It is a mood beyond angry, sad, hopeless…these are intermediary. Driving to work this morning I reached a level of disregard for my own life, I didn’t want to hurt anyone else but crashing my car was a thought that lingered in my mind.

Sometimes I think that self-inflicting physical pain is kind of a breakthrough. It forces me to feel, I can’t stay apathetic and dettached. I have to check in and experience the anger. That said I started out expressing my anger by slamming my forearms on the steering wheel. At some point I decided that wasn’t good enough and I started tearing at my arms with a gas card while stopped at a light. I only made a few cuts, mostly I created noninvasive welts.

At some point later in the day, I tried to cry but I couldn’t. My eyes welled up a little but nothing ran out. I don’t know how great I am at feeling emotions anymore.

I haven’t tried to cut myself since I was a teen (I think). I’m not a cutter, it’s not my M.O. I throw things, scream, hit walls, slam my body into walls, slap myself and on occasion bang my head into things. Cutting makes me think of emo girls wiriting fan fiction…I’m usually more hardcore than that. I went kind of lame today.